Phillip hears his name (feat. Richard Blanco)

Phillip's new US citizenship status is the celebratory focus of this episode of TAPIT. It's a celebration 30 years in the making, and it ends in a custom poem worthy of an inauguration. Join us on the journey of a lifetime, as Phillip overcomes rage, discovers love, changes careers, adopts a new name, and learns to see the beauty in his own immigration story.  Host Todd Boss traces Phillip's path of self-authorship from Vegas to Baja to Mexico City to Texas to Hollywood, and back to Vegas, in a tale filled with setbacks and surprises... then taps President Barack Obama's 2009 inaugural poet Richard Blanco to guest write an extraordinary poem of rejoicing and recognition, that elicits a tear for every step along the way. 

Chapters in this episode: 

1. What's in a name?
2. How a place makes (and unmakes and remakes) a person
3. Phillip finds himself in fiction and film
4. The intricacies of immigration and the Texas/Mexico divide
5. Learning and loving in Las Vegas
6. Carving a path to citizenship and the truth about timing
7. Taking the law into his own hands
8. Bringing in Blanco
9. The poem, Your Name :: My Name
10. A wordless reaction says it all

This episode is dedicated to Phillip's mother, Olivia de Lourdes Meneses Moguel, and to mothers everywhere who read to their children.

Chapters

• 0:00 What's in a name?
• 2:34 How a place makes (and unmakes and remakes) a person
• 6:59 Phillip finds himself in fiction and film
• 8:56 The intricacies of immigration and the Texas/Mexico divide
• 14:38 Learning and loving in Las Vegas
• 19:41 Carving a path to citizenship and the truth about timing
• 26:26 Taking the law into his own hands
• 28:00 Bringing in Blanco
• 34:29 The poem, Your Name :: My Name
• 39:22 A wordless reaction says it all

Transcript

Todd  0:00  

Hi. I'm Todd Boss. In this podcast, I help strangers discover the poetry in their most intimate stories. Anyone who feels there's a poem in their story can call me and leave a voicemail on my listener line 808-300-0449.

Phillip  0:20  

Hello, Todd, calling about, I think, or I'd like to think there's a poem in my story, and, well, my name is Javier. But also James; that's part of the story. And just a bit is I wasn't born in America. I wasn't born here in the States. But I was raised here as a child, briefly, illegally. And then after that, we all went back home to Mexico. Well, I mean, at least what was home for them, and probably should have been for me, but it never was. 

Todd  0:54  

In this very special episode of TAPIT, you'll go with me from the barrios of Mexico City... 

Phillip  0:59  

I spent the next 30 years...

Todd  1:01  

...to the steps of the US Capitol... 

Phillip  1:02  

...just trying to find my way back... 

Todd  1:03  

...on a journey to self and citizenship... 

Phillip  1:06  

...I finally became a US citizen. And I also changed my name because you get a free name change... 

Todd  1:12  

In this episode, calling from Las Vegs, Nevada... 

Phillip  1:12  

Please feel free to reach out. My number is three two...

Todd  1:16  

..is Javier or James or...

Phillip  1:20  

Phillip James.

Todd  1:21  

Phillip?

Phillip  1:22  

As one works. Thank you, bye. 

Todd  1:24  

Honestly, when I called him back, I wasn't sure what to call him. 

Phillip  1:27  

Phillip is...Phillip is good. Phillip is easiest. 

Todd  1:30  

Just Phillip. 

Phillip  1:31  

Yeah, yeah. I've already had...people are trying to say Phil, I'm like, no.

Todd  1:38  

Have you ever renamed yourself? It's kind of a badass thing to do. It takes, to use the Spanish, cojones. It's a renegotiation of identity, a kind of self authorship. What's it like to leave the old name behind? 

Phillip  1:54  

I looked forward to it. I wanted it for many reasons. One of them was as an immigrant, I kind of felt like, that's what a lot of immigrants went through in, you know, early history of America. They came in to the United States, had their names changed voluntarily or not voluntarily. So like that kind of clicked for me. And I also felt like it was easier for people. My full name used to be, it was Felipe Javier Hernando Meneses, but it was regularly butchered. It was always how Ja-vee-ar or Ja-vee-ay. And like, yeah, Hernando Meneses was always hard to say. It was hard to write; it was hard for other people to use. So it was like, for a lot of reasons, it made sense. 

Todd  2:34  

But Phillip's story is bigger than a name change. It's a story of belonging, of longing to belong. It spans decades, countries, languages and cultures. 

Phillip  2:46  

The long, long story is I grew up in the States. I was about four years old when my parents left Mexico, moved to the States. They first moved to Texas in Austin. My sister was born there. We lived there about two years. And then we moved to Las Vegas, up until I was 10 years old. And in that time, Reagan, in 84, granted asylum to all illegal immigrants. 

Ronald Reagan  3:09  

I believe in the idea of amnesty. For those who have put down roots and who have lived here, even though sometime back, they may have entered illegally. 

Phillip  3:19  

My parents applied under that. They got their green card. My sister was a citizen. She was born in Austin, but I didn't get permanent residency status. It was, it was ongoing, it was in the process. Then, after fifth grade, my parents had a falling out with my father's family. So we had to leave; we ended up leaving, but my issue of residency was never resolved. And we left and moved back to Mexico. And to me, it was a huge shock because, like, I grew up in America, right? That's how I feel, even though that's where I was born, or my family was from, to me, it was a foreign country. It was just completely foreign, completely strange. 

Todd  3:55  

Where in Mexico are we? 

Phillip  3:56  

For a year, we were in La Paz, Baja, California Sur, which is like California, then the Baja Peninsula. And it was all the way down at the end the tip. My mom called it the closest planet to the earth, because there was nothing there. And then we were there for a year, and then we moved to Mexico City. And that was just another huge shock because Mexico City is just a monster of a place. There's 30 million people, traffic. It was just overwhelming. It was scary. And the only school I could get into was an all boys school. And it was harsh; it was very aggressive. It was like all boys, a very aggressive environment. And I was a small boy. That's the other thing; I was, I was undersized. I was picked on. I was a late bloomer. Like, all the, all the boys had, like, hair under their armpits, like, you know, and I did not. It was like trying to survive, trying to try and be quiet, try not to be noticed. Like I felt like a stranger in a strange land. I just could not adapt to the way of life and the way of seeing the world and the culture of, of Mexico. 

Todd  4:54  

If you've ever been forced to divide your time between families or schools or states or countries, then you know how difficult it can be to fit your divided loyalties and allegiances equally across boundaries and how hard it is sometimes, to know where you belong. 

Phillip  5:11  

I was always very mad that I could not have citizenship, but I didn't have it. And I was mad that my sister was a citizen that my mom and dad were permanent residents. And I didn't have it. I lost it through no fault of my own. So yeah, there was resentment and anger, like just hating Mexico. Like, I hated it. 

Todd  5:29  

Phillip's displacement into a lonely world where he didn't feel at home led him to colonize a very different, very colorful world without boundaries where he could feel at home: the world of books. 

Phillip  5:41  

So I did a lot of escaping through books, primarily science fiction and fantasy in English, which are hard to get. I would take them to school. And I was, I sat in the back, and I read these giant tomes, like underneath the desk. 

Todd  5:57  

The sci fi, fantasy genres are vast and contain some of the finest works of literature ever written. To say that Phillip chose these books as a form of escape is to shortchange his exploration of the big themes, not just philosophy and time and science, but themes that touch directly on his own deeply divided life, alternate universes, society and class, fate and free will 

Phillip  6:22  

Like it presents certain values and certain ways of seeing the world as furthering civilization and, and upholding certain values and, like being honest, being straightforward, being true: to me like that, that was also America, that was also United States. There was a sense of order in the United States, or what I perceived to be order, and, and law and safety because Mexico was and is, like, it's a third world country. There's there's a lot of corruption, so I never felt safe. And in my, in the back of my mind was always well, I want to go back, I want to come back and go back to the States. 

Todd  6:59  

Westerns, comic books, science fiction, these became Phillip's adopted homelands, supplanting his feelings of helplessness, with heroic fantasies. 

Phillip  7:09  

At some point, I became infatuated with a series of books called the Dragonriders of Pern, written by Anne McCaffrey. And it was it was just a series of books that I've read obsessively over and over again, and I would, you know, fantasize about the books and the setting and the people and the adventures and to a degree where my mom was worried, and she, she took me to see a psychiatrist.

Todd  7:32  

Philip is such a sympathetic character. I want to be Phillip's friend throughout the telling of his story. But more than that, I want to have been his friend. I want to scroll back time so that I can have been his friend from the beginning when he first needed one. Can I do that in a poem? Can a poem befriend someone retroactively? I guess what I'm trying to say is, can I write Phillip some comfort that feels like it was there all along? 

Phillip  8:08  

In college, I fell in love with film and filmmaking. I was like, well, this is great. Like, I want to do this. And I tried to, like, I tried to do it in Mexico, but there's no film industry in Mexico. Like, they make, like 10-15 movies a year. And they're all financed by the government. So, like, it was, a it's a giant mafia. I was just constantly disgusted by the corruption, that, just the nepotism, and just the lack of these things that I wanted to do. It just didn't exist. And again, and to me, America was what was like the land of opportunity, entrepreneurism, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I was obsessed with westerns. And I was like, Yes. Like, that's what I want. And I was always trying to escape, trying to leave. And I had multiple attempts.

Todd  8:52  

Multiple attempts at leaving? 

Phillip  8:54  

Yeah, at leaving Mexico, because it was, it's hard. Like, the immigration system is hard, trying to, trying to move to any country. And, you know, the US system is hard, but like other countries are, are just as hard or harder. So like I looked at, I looked at how can I move to Canada? Can I move to Australia, Europe? But it was always America, like, it was because I was just like it was like a beacon. It was what I wanted consistently. And I was obsessed over everything immigration and, and permanent residency and different types of visas. 

Todd  9:25  

You made it your, it was your biggest hobby, like trying to figure out how to work this and get it back. 

Phillip  9:31  

Yes, I was like obsessively trying to figure out like, how do I get back to this place that I wanted to be? 

Todd  9:37  

If you think tax forms or college application materials are confusing, imagine trying to navigate immigration paperwork. My head spins just thinking about it. But where there's a will, there's a way, and Phillip found a way, or so he thought at the time, teaching. 

Phillip  9:52  

The public school district of Dallas, DISD, needed bilingual school teachers. They didn't have any and they had a large Hispanic population. So they recruited from Latin America and Spain. I heard about the program. And it was almost too good to be true. They said that they would sponsor you for the H-1B visa, because you had to do accelerated certification to be a teacher. So it took about two years. And after that they would sponsor your permanent residency. And it was the only way I could find to come back to the States. And, and I thought it was like, I'm coming home. And they'll like us, it was another culture shock, because even though I thought I knew what America was, the United States was, I hadn't lived there. I left when I was 10. I didn't move back until I was 27. And even then, when I was living in America, I felt like I was always on the outside looking in; again, stranger in a strange land. Like the word is foreign, like Alien, legal alien. And that's, it's appropriate. It's how I felt; I felt like an alien. 

Todd  10:49  

Yeah. So you're 27; you move to Dallas, and you're teaching, right? 

Phillip  10:55  

Yes, fifth and sixth grade. And that was like, it can't be that hard. Like, it was just fifth graders. And so I had a whole idea in my mind, I was gonna go, and, oh, my God. 

Todd  11:04  

Teaching is a hard job, really hard, especially in an underfunded district, where language barriers and systemic issues heightened the chances of failure. 

Phillip  11:13  

They just like, dumped us in the classroom. And it was like the battlefield because these kids were like, they were in fifth grade, but they're on a first grade reading level. And they were tests, it was called the TAKS test at the time, Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills. And the fifth grade TAKS test was so important that that's how Texas determined how many prisons they would build in like 10 years time, because they knew, like if the kids failed, like they knew that they're not going to finish high school. So the thing was, like teach the test, teach the test because it was the most important thing. So they knew that to pass the test. If they passed the test, they could go on to sixth grade. So, year one, year two and year three, like there was a lot of yelling, like I did a lot of yelling, I was very angry. Like, I was like, whipping these kids to like, read this and do this. And it was rough. It was, it was definitely...like, I cried, like my first year, like, after school almost every day. Like, I felt it was a disservice to just teach the test. Like, I really wanted to leave these kids with something. 

Todd  12:07  

Phillip did the best he could. 

Phillip  12:08  

And I was like, I had moved there by myself. I was alone. And I was, I was doing it. Like, if I can make it two years, I can get permanent residency. And then, if I want to, I can stay but if not, I can quit and to me, it was like I can move to California, I can move to LA, I can, I can make, write these films and make them that I wanted to make. But after two years, they, they said well, like your H-1B visa is valid for up to five years. After that, we'll, you know, we'll apply; that was like, I was like, like, I knew it was too good to be true. But I was like, Okay, I have to endure. 

Todd  12:39  

Phillip came very close to finishing the five years of work that would allow him to stay in the United States. But then his mother had an accident. 

Phillip  12:48  

She fell down the stairs. She hit the back of her head. She got a subdural hematoma. It was, it was very bad. And I left, got on a plane that day, got to the hospital at midnight. And the hospital was terrible. It was it was like, I don't know, it was like my vision of hell. I walked in thinking, I was like, mom, I'm here, like, she did not recognize me. She didn't know where she was. She thought she was at home in the kitchen. And she grabbed me, and she's like, she said, like, get me my cigarettes. And I was like, Mom, like you're not at home, you're in the hospital. And she just grabbed me to like, she grabbed my arm, like, dug her nails and like, she bit my arm, out of her mind, completely out of her mind. And it wasn't her; it was like, was a crazy person. I spent the whole night with her. Like, to me, it was like I was bringing her back to life, to sanity. And the next day, she was better. And we treat it like, like my mom died that night and just and was like reborn. 

Todd  13:44  

Does moving back to Mexico at that stage of your visa process, ruin your chances of become...? 

Phillip  13:50  

Yeah.

Todd  13:51  

It does. 

Phillip  13:51  

Yeah.

Todd  13:51  

That would, just, must have been heartbreaking. 

Phillip  13:54  

Yeah. I knew I knew what it would cost. Like I knew that if I left, like I would fall out of the queue. And I would have to start all over again. But I felt a lot of guilt and anger and shame. Because I was away. I left my family to move to Dallas to chase this dream. So, like, there was a sense that I sacrificed that; I left it, in my mind, to achieve something more, to achieve something better for myself and for my family. Like, I left; I definitely left. So I felt responsible in a way. (Yeah.) That was, I mean in my life, I think that's that's the lowest point. After I after I left Dallas and went back to Mexico, one of the things I had on my mind was, was I know I want to write. Like, I always knew I wanted to write, be a writer. Like one of the big things on my mind was like, Am I good enough? I don't know. Can I do this? Can I be successful? Do I have the talent?

My sister who was living in Las Vegas. She told me, why don't you apply to UNLV? And I was like, I don't think there's like anything related to film or writing at UNLV like, it's Las Vegas, right? It doesn't make sense. She was like, No, I think there is. And I was like, okay, let me check. And I did my research and, and just like buried somewhere in like all the things there, they had an MFA. And it was, it was Writing for Dramatic Media, which is like very weird title, because basically screenwriting, and that program was three years long. And it was a full fellowship; you didn't have to pay anything. And you got paid. So, it was no brainer. And I got in. So that was kind of like my second attempt at moving to the States because my first had an H-1B visa, which you needed an employer to sponsor you. That didn't work. And this was this was an F-1 visa, which is a student visa. But you can stay; as long as you're studying, you can stay there. So yeah, it kind of just all fit. I couldn't believe it, because I was like, oh, I grew up in Vegas. Here, I'm back. I'm back again. That's just insane. So it was, it was surreal. It was great. Had a lot of time to write. 

Todd  16:00  

Phillip earned his master's degree. 

Phillip  16:02  

But the thing that also changed my life was, that's where, it's where I met my wife. She did her Bachelor's in film at UNLV. She was doing production work, and I always knew I wanted to get married. I was always that person. I was looking for love. But I was very bad at dating. And I had several failed relationships. Every time I met somebody, it was like, I was, let's get serious. Let's get married. Let's live together. Let's. In my mind, I was like, why are we wasting time? You know, and with Emily, that's what happened. Because I met her and thought she was amazing. Wonderful, beautiful, smart. Like, she, she, like, she's in film, wants to do film so do I. She's creative. I'm creative. We talked about LA and I was like, LA is great. Like, I was like, we should go. Let's go next weekend. She was like, yeah, maybe. 

Todd  16:48  

You're just, you're just all in all. 

Phillip  16:51  

To me, it was like, yeah, you know. Like, I like you; you like me, like, let's do this. Like, let's, you know, let's, let's make it serious. 

Todd  16:57  

You must scare the shit out of her. 

Phillip  16:59  

Yeah, she wanted nothing to do with me. She was like, Nah, yeah, she could she ghosted me for two or three months. And I didn't know how to react. I talked to my friend. And she was like, she's like, you have to do the thing you've never done. You have to let go. You can't pursue her. You can't chase her. She has to come to this. And that...and I was like, I can't do that. I don't know how to do that. 

Todd  17:18  

Yeah. Counter to everything in your nature, right? 

Phillip  17:21  

Yeah. It was like if you love somebody let them go. I'm like, That's fucking stupid. Like, why? No, like, chase after them. 

Todd  17:27  

How did you bring her, how did you bring her back around? 

Phillip  17:29  

Lastly, I sent her like a text, which was kind of like, hey, like, hope you're doing okay. If you you know, if you want to go out later, hang out or something, yeah, just let me know. Like, I'll be here. And it was so hard. It was like, I checked my phone, e-mail, everything like every day. And then yeah, out of the blue, just got a text from Emily. Like, hey, sorry, I've been like, you know, out of the loop or something. But you know, we should like, go out next week. And I was like, yeah. But it was also like, okay, but don't fuck this up. And yeah, we had like, a second first date. And she just accepted me. And that was it. 

Todd  18:08  

After graduating, Phillip was once more in limbo. He no longer qualified for the student visa, and time was running out. 

Phillip  18:16  

Immigration gives you one year of, it's called OPT, optional practical training. So you get, you can work for that year after, but you can only work in the area. It's like, yeah, I got a degree in Screenwriting. But I can't go and find a job as a screenwriter, because it's, it's hard. It's difficult. It doesn't exist. You have to, you know, a lot of time and effort, etc. And it was coming up to the end of the year. And I knew Emily and I talked about getting married. We knew it's a thing we wanted. But I wanted to propose, but I also felt like I couldn't because I didn't have like a steady job, or I didn't have the job. And I couldn't provide and I couldn't do a lot of things. So I had a lot of back and forthm a lot of doubts, and you know, talked to friends and mentors. And they were they said like, well, you just have to do it. And that's when I talked to my father-in-law, asked for her hand, and he was, yeah, it was very open, very caring, very giving. Like, he cried, I cried. That's when he asked me about, you know, if I would take his name, his last name, which is Schroeder, because he, he had four daughters. So, you know, tradition wise, if he didn't, he wanted to have a son; he didn't have one. So his last name would also, will also pass if you go by traditional structures, and my father had passed away, and I just, I thought it was wonderful. So I was yeah, of course. And there was Phillipe Javier, and then Schroeder, but that was, and that was in November, proposed. And then the civil wedding was in January, because if we didn't get married before that, I'd have to go back to Mexico and wait and then it was another type of visa, it's called a K-1 visa, which is a fiancee visa. And Emily was like, no, I'm not sending you back. You're staying. But I proposed in November. We got married in January, and then we had the big like the wedding with everybody else in March. 

Todd  20:01  

And at that point because you were married to an American, your immigration woes are are over, right? 

Phillip  20:06  

You'd think so. There was still a long process. Like, once you get married, you get a conditional residency. After that you get permanent residency. And normally, you have to wait five years as a permanent resident to get citizenship. But if you get married, it goes down to three. So you can do it in three years, which is what I did. Yeah. And here I have a certificate of naturalization. So after that, after this, like you get this, you sign it, and then you're a citizen. It's kind of bureaucratic. Being a citizen, it's an option, like you have to take an oath. Like, you have to go through the ceremony, you have to, like, it's a whole nother step. And that was yeah, it was very emotional. It was, it was at the courthouse, downtown Las Vegas. It was like 40 People from all over Cuba, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Philippines. It was a diverse group. Emily went, of course, and my mom and my sister also went. The cool part was that right at the beginning, they said, Well, you know, where it says speaker? And then they said, well, we need the speaker, the speaker is going to be one of you. So like, who volunteers? Who wants to talk? And I raised my hand, I was like, I'll do it. 

Todd  21:21  

Oh, you're kidding. Wow. Why? What did what what inspired you to raise your hand like that? 

Phillip  21:28  

It felt right, it felt appropriate. It was this thing that I've been chasing for, like 30 years. So I was like, I have to do it. But at the same time, I didn't have a speech prepared at all. And then when it was my turn to speak? I got up. And then I think the first words I said was, I said, my fellow citizens, which like felt very good. I told myself, I wouldn't cry, but I did. Like I broke down. That was a day like, you know that everything would change, it should change. And the judge made a speech too and said, like, you know, how, you know, we were here because we chose to be here, because we chose to live here, we chose to leave everybody, you know, everybody was that we chose to leave our homes, our country, our place, wherever we're from. And then the last thing that judge said was, you know, two more words, said welcome home. And once he said that, I was like, oh my god, it's so true. 

Todd  22:17  

Tell me how the size of that day compared to say, the size of your wedding day or the size of your graduation from, you know, the MFA program or other sort of, you know, passages in life

Phillip  22:31  

The biggest thing was, was my wedding day, like, it doesn't, it doesn't compare we had, when I say like, Emily changed my life. Like it wasn't, it wasn't just getting married and getting citizenship. I mean, that was nice. But if I'd met her anywhere else, or if, you know, I, I still would be in love and would have gotten married, whether it was in Mexico or anywhere else, like it's just her and who she is. And..

Todd  22:52  

Yeah, how long you've been married now? 

Phillip  22:55  

Five years, five and a half years,

Todd  22:56  

Children on the horizon? Oh, I put you on the spot. 

Phillip  22:58  

Well, it's part of--that's again, that's part of the whole process and, and the journey because we we moved to LA, and to me, it was like, this is the dream, this is what I always wanted. I was I was living in West Hollywood. It was like, it was just so close. Like, the dream was so cool. I had, I had a couple of interviews and job opportunities. And we were both focused on, on that, on entertainment, Hollywood filmmaking as a career. And we were both kind of consumed by, by that by that pursuit, by the chase, by trying to make it. I was writing she was producing. And then, and then, yeah, and then the pandemic hit, because everything got canceled, like shows, movies, productions, everything was, everybody--it was just it was madness. And I was, I was the one who broke, it was about a year in, and I just couldn't take it anymore. 

Todd  23:49  

It seems to me the the pandemic's holding pattern, that terrible holding pattern in your career and where you lived. It must have triggered all these other things for you about the waiting that you've done over time to get back to the States and citizenship and the visa problems and all of this, like...

Phillip  24:09  

Yeah, I'd reached another bottom. I felt like Sisyphus, felt like I was pushing this rock, the stone up, up the incline. And that incline, that stone was trying to trying to be successful, trying to have a career in writing, in screenwriting, and get up, and it would come back down, it would get up. And I kind of felt how it started to get to me how hard it was how kind of impossible it was to succeed. I had an idea. So I was like, I had an MFA. I did my time. I've been, I've been waiting to do this my whole life. I've been you know, wanting to write and succeed and here I am. Why haven't I done it? Why haven't, why hasn't it happened? Like I'm talented. I have talent. But if, but nobody cares. That was that was just the thing. Like, it doesn't matter. Like, nobody owes you anything just because you want to do something.  Want to be creative, want to be an artist. But like, it doesn't mean that you should have it, that you should get it. And that was. that was shocking. It was it was kind of shattering. There was no, there was no structure, there was no path, I started getting angry and mad at the reality of it, which was everybody I worked with was 20,  23--recent graduates. I was older, like I was like, I'm gonna be 40 soon. And I do want to have kids, I do want to have this with Emily. So to me, I felt, I felt bad that I gotten there late. I arrived in LA too late, this crushing weight of expectation of ambition. And I couldn't see the light, I could not find the way through it. And I always, I've always prided myself on being a person that can solve problems, that can find a way, that can, that has a plan for what's going to happen a year, five years, ten years from now. And I didn't have it. And yeah, I gave up. I just, I was like, I can't do this, Emily, I can't take it. And then yeah, we packed it all up, left LA, moved back to Vegas. And fortunately, Emily's parents, they have a large house. There was space here for us to live, which is where we're living right now, with my in laws, in Las Vegas, in the basement of their house. And when I say that the people, people are horrified. They're like, oh, my God, if you're in the basement? Like, well, it's the basement of a 10,000 square foot house, right? So I was like, don't feel sorry for me. We're, we're okay. We're more than okay. 

Todd  26:27  

Phillip's career has since taken another turn. This time, he's applying to law school.

The pressure of you to write something to sell it. So you can do this as a living. It was crushing. It was too much. I couldn't do it. And if I want to have kids, if I want to have financial security, I can't do it. And and what's the closest thing that I could do? I was like, well, I could be a lawyer. I could study law. You know, it's, it's hard. But you know, I'm smart. I can figure things out. And part of the thing I started to like about the law, it's, there's there's order, like I'm always a fan of order, like that's one of the things I hated about Mexico was chaotic. There was no order, there was no structure. So I liked that. And then on another side, it's doing good, doing good work. Like, work that's important. That's part of what I wanted to do with being a creative writer. I wanted to make a difference in the world. And the best way I thought to make a difference was, you know, writing a book or making a movie, affecting people, touching people. And now, I guess now there's a different canvas. That's a good word. Yeah, I feel like there's a course now; there's like a chart for my life, at least the next four years. But even after that, there's stability, there's security, which I didn't have before. It feels very good right now.

Chasing things, waiting for things looking for love, applications, the open door, the one shot visas, citizenship, always in a holding pattern, always coming close, caught between languages and countries, reality and fantasy, family and ambition. When it comes time to write Phillip's poem for him, my impulse is to overdeliver. Can you blame me? I want to give him an experience that rises to meet the challenges he himself has overcome. I want Phillip;s poem to be as bold and tenacious and courageous as he has been. I want to pull on the celebration as big as a country. I sit down to write one day, when a book on my shelves catches my eye: Richard Blanco's How to Love a Country. Blanco, a Cuban American, is most famous for delivering his poem, One Today at President Barack Obama's first inauguration on the steps of the US Capitol in 2009. I e-mail Richard, and to my surprise, he agrees to listen to my interviews with Phillip and write him a poem. I'm amazed that this poet, who once read a poem of citizenship for millions of Americans, has agreed to write another for just one.

It's been a few months since my first conversation with Phillip. And yes, he's since been accepted to law school. 

Phillip  29:30  

Long story short, like, yeah, I got accepted at Santa Clara. 

Todd  29:34  

Wow! 

Phillip  29:35  

That's crazy. 

Todd  29:36  

That's amazing. 

Phillip  29:38

I know. 

Todd  29:40

So let's see how to begin. First of all, what's the anticipation like around this? Have you been thinking about it? Is there a poem in your imagination that you've been kind of thinking that you might expect or do you have any expectations at all?

Phillip  29:54  

I...a lot of time, I lack appreciation of, of everything that's happened, because I forget about it, or I don't think about it. Because it's difficult to explain to people everything that I've done, what I've been through. I know it's hard to get across how hard it's been or the fact that it's been hard and how long it's been. Because it's not easy.  It's a complicated subject, so I'm just, I'm eager to see an external point of view, interpretation. I need somebody else's interpretation. So that's my expectation. Yeah.

Todd  30:34

I've been thinking a lot about that, too, and my impulse has also been to get another perspective. So, I've, instead of writing your poem myself, Phillip, I've engaged another poet to do it.

Phillip 30:50

Okay.

Todd 30:51

And he is waiting in the wings right now, and I want to introduce you to him. And I'm excited to that because he's got, he's had a chance to listen to all three hours of our interview, and he has already written the poem that he plans to deliver to you today. I want to tell you a little bit about him first. His name is Richard Blanco; do you know that name?

Phillip  31:18

Um, no.

Todd  31:21

He likes to say that he, it's a joke with him, he likes to say that he was made in Cuba, assembled in Spain, and imported to the USA.  His mom was seven months pregnant when she was exiled from Cuba to Spain, where Richard was born, and then two months after he was born, the family immigrated to America.  He was only a few weeks old (Wow.) at that time, and he already belonged to three countries.  And also belonged to none of them because he citizenship in none. (Wow.) The family settled in Miami, and that's where he was raised, and he, like you, had a really strong creative streak, but his parents talked him into studying engineering so that he could be more secure. And so that's what he did.  He started work a civil engineer in Miami, but in his twenties, he was so eager to tell his story that he went back to school and studied with poet Campbell McGrath and earned a Masters in Fine Arts & Creative Writing in 1997. And so, after that time, he worked as an engineer by day and a poet by night. And three poetry collections later, after having won prize after prize for his writing, President Barrack Obama selected him to serve as the fifth Presidential Inaugural Poet in US history. 

Phillip  32:48

Wow.

Todd  32:50 

Following in the footsteps of Robert Frost and Maya Angelou. He was the youngest first Latino, first immigrant, and first gay person to serve in such a role. And he read a poem called "One Today," which was an original poem that he wrote for that occasion. And it was, he delivered that, at Obama's inauguration ceremony. Since then, he has published a memoir, a fine press photo book, a children's book, and another poetry book called How to Love a Country. And I could list all the publications and TV programs he's appeared on, but it's truly exhaustive, from the BBC to Telemundo and CNN. His poems ask universal questions that we all ask ourselves on our own journeys: where am I from, where do I belong, who am I in this world? I thought he would be the perfect poet to write your poem for you. Philip, meet Richard Blanco.

Todd  33:56

There you are.

Richard  33:57

We're all here.

Todd  33:59

Awesome. So, let's see here.  Phillip, I'm going to send you a PDF of the poem so that you have it and, uh, then have a custom reading here today. So Phillip, let me know when you have the PDF there.

Phillip  34:14

Let me check.

Todd  34:15

And then you can...I'll let you follow along as Richard reads it.

Phillip  34:19

There it is.

Todd  34:20

Got it?

Phillip  34:21

Yup.

Todd 34:22

Take it away, Richard.

Richard

I'm rusty because a poem has to be read many times before it starts living in your body, but "Your Name :: My Name."

for Phillip James, formerly Felipe Javier Hernando Meneses,

for myself, Ricardo De Jesús Blanco Valdés also known as Richard White 

Your name like my name :: infused with the singsong of Spanish from our mother countries that

never quite spoke to us in the vernacular of our souls :: not your Mexican cacti or crime, not Mariachis or immigrants, not tequila or la Virgen de la Guadalupe—forgive the clichés :: not my Cuban palm trees or poverty, not mambo or brothels, not rum or la Virgen del la Caridad—forgive my own clichés :: perhaps clichés are all we know :: all we need or want to know of who we are, or are not?

Your name like my name :: inked on a U.S. immigration card :: let’s imagine we had the same,

exact number :: 531135 :: a palindrome, an omen :: destined to be sojourners all our lives :: back-and-forth, north and south, east and west :: through countries and cities mapped out by the compasses of our minds needling home :: have we found it in our imagination :: or in the dirt

beneath our feet :: or are we still looking for it in the clouds that pause in our eyes?

Your name like my name :: out of tune in English :: the flat, unrolled r’s of my Rrr-ica-rrr-do that I’d eventually translate into Richard :: a new me without a silent h :: the F of Felipe that you’d trade for the Ph of Phillip :: both of us wanting to love and be loved in the sounds of English we loved :: we, the names of Anglo-Saxon kings we donned :: we, our blood’s royal belonging to what we felt we belonged to :: or not?

Your name like my name :: the names in which we heard ourselves come to life :: me, in the meter of poets who allowed me to sing myself anew as their music :: you, in the language of sci-fi novels that spoke another world you needed to believe in :: and the names we both heard in the gunshots of movie westerns we loved :: cowboys who didn’t doubt their purpose :: always oneself belonging to a one landscape :: no questions, unlike us :: why didn’t we rename ourselves Wayne, Clint, or Cooper?

Your name like my name :: in the names of the students we’ve called out when taking attendance :: Juan, Anita, Alberto :: whose lost eyes we’ve looked into as deeply as our own :: Cristina, Carlos, Carmen :: how we taught them to listen to the light of their inner voices :: how we gave them our breaths to shout out, We are here :: as alive and necessary as we learned to be by the grace of the words that saved us, too :: isn’t that what we have in the end—words?

Your name like my name :: the names we found in love :: you, in your Emily :: me, in my Mark :: names that spelled-out destiny, surprise, and surrender for us :: letters that dispelled our names from our Jungian selves :: the jesters, the bon vivants, the heedless lovers we thought we’d be forever :: their names that freed us to be one with them :: two clouds, two waves, two rays of lightning melded together :: Philemily, Marichard :: aren’t those are true names too?

Your name like my name :: Ricardo James Felipe White Richard Meneses Phillip De Jesús :: all the names we’ve let go of, all the ones we’ve taken :: names as teachers and husbands, caretakers and changemakers, chameleons and questers :: and all the names we have yet to call ourselves by, everywhere we have yet to claim as our own or not, real or imagined :: your name, mine:: always aching to spell H-O-M-E for ourselves.

Phillip  39:25

(Softly crying)

Todd 39:29

The poem is done, but Phillip can't speak. He's overcome. Blanco is a bit taken aback. We wait. It's a lot for Phillip to take in: the poem, the poet, this elevated moment.

Richard 39:44

They say it isn't a poem until someone cries. (Todd chuckles.) Wow, that's a beautiful response. I mean, thank goodness, because it is a little intimidating if you don't know...

Todd  40:02

For a while, it seems Phillip isn't going to be able to pull himself together, and who could blame him? This poem stands at the end of a long, long road. Phillip, you can see why I chose Richard for you. Minutes go by, as Phillip works the poems of his hands over his face, trying to recover himself. Blanco attempts to talk through this awkward pause, taking the opportunity to explain some of the decisions he has made in the poem. I just sit back and let the magic of this encounter weave itself over us. This, I think to myself, this is the power of poetry. To heal, to inspire, to connect. Later, I get a text from Phillip. Thank you, Todd. That was incredible. I can't say I don't have words. I have too many of them. The sheer length of Blanca's extraordinary poem precludes me from re-reading it here.

Phillip  41:06

Thank you.

Richard  41:07

Oh, thank you...

Todd  41:08

You can listen to it again, and read along with it... 

Richard  41:10

...for your life and your story.

Todd  41:11

...on our website, poeminthat.com, where you can also find bonus content, including a photo of Phillip and his reaction to the poem.

Phillip  41:21

There are so many things that resonate, and part of it is...

Todd  41:24

There's a Poem in That was written and produced by me, Todd Boss...

Phillip  41:28

...I always felt like...

Todd  41:29

...with support from Associate Producer Hila Plittman, 

Phillip  41:32

...this journey, this whole thing...

Todd  41:34

...and story editor Bronwen Clark...

Phillip  41:36

...just like, I felt alone, and no one else did it...

Todd  41:39

...audio support from Ben O'Brien, Noah Hubble, and Emily Hubble.

Phillip  41:44

It's good to know that someone else understands it.

Todd  41:47

Special thanks for their administrative support goes to Chloe Fioretto Toomey and Mallory Capri Henson. Our theme music was written by Esh Whitacre.

Richard  41:54

I wanted to get it right.

Todd  41:56

Special music for this episode was written by Pedro Osuna.

Richard  42:00

Like, where are those points of connection, the moments of "oh my god" and, like "Yes!" And, "I get that!"

Todd  42:08

Special thanks to guest poet Richard Blanco, whose newest collection from Beacon Press, Homeland of my Body, was published in October of 2023.

Richard  42:18

I have to feel the poem again, you know? Like, I have to feel you, you know?

Todd  42:26

We here at TAPIT would like to dedicate this episode to Phillip's mom...

Phillip  42:30

Olivia de Lourdes Meneses Moguel.

Todd  42:33

...and parents everywhere who read to their children.

Phillip  42:34

You receive revelations by visiting oracles, and I think that's what poets are.

Todd  42:36

If you liked this episode, you'll love TAPIT episode four, Bonnie cycles on, in which I recruit another surprise guest poet to help a woman get back on her bike after an accident.

Phillip  42:59

Thank you for going above and beyond. Like, this wasn't just a poem; it was poetic. Yeah.

Todd  43:13

You're a poet yourself, Phillip.

Phillip  43:15

Yeah, I think so.

Todd  43:18

I'm Todd Boss, reminding you that there's a poem in everything, if you're paying attention.